A NEW LEAF, A CLEAN SLEAT

I know Nikii Minaj is 95% silicone and 5% water, but that surgeon did a pretty good job, eh? Don’t you think so?

Of course, we’re not here to discuss Miss Haco industries brand ambassador. I got saved.I hope heaven hasn’t subscribed to this blog, coz otherwise am in deep trouble.Jesus if you read the first sentence, hope you’ll forgive me.

So as i was saying, niliokoka buana, so when the EABL releases their annual financial report, and they record a loss due to a dip in sales,just connect the dots. Although i doubt they’ll notice any change, i doubt the money they used to make from my drinking was even enough to buy a crate of milk in their office. If you have ever gone to a club and you spot a guy who has been sipping the same drink for three hours or more, that’s two football games or three depending on my mood, most probably it was me. Io talent inaitwa kunyonya chupa. It entails you taking two sips every 45 minutes.At times it would go to the extreme and force you to carry an empty beer bottle from home, say Guinness since its dark. Then unaieka maji, and do what Great men of honour do, pretend there’s something inside. Sasa shida ni ikue huko kwa io club hawauzi Guinness io day. Ole wako.

So yeah,niliokoka siku izi vako zangu ni macrusade nini nini, you know. No shiny suits from me though.And incase you were wondering, now that i am saved, i still think Bahati, yes him,size 8, jimmy gait and most of those bubble gum “gospel”¬† artists bado wako inje kama hewa. Oh and also that guy who sang, “kama ni kachumbari, woi tulikula lala, kama ni kauji woi tulikunywa lala” What’s his name,willy willy paul. Whaaat?You think sasa ati Now that am saved, my opinion in music is any different???. Jesus washed away my sins,he did not update my playlist or preference to music.Atleast am sure the version of the Bible am reading does not say that you shall all of a sudden not fall asleep or fight the urge to burn you’re TV as soon as Willy Willy paul and co. comes on. Sa zingine me huangalia io TV yangu naskia kulia, nikikumbuka venye nilichoka nikiibeba, it’s the one that has a mgongo kubwa,(whaaat it was cheaper than the other ones). Also i don’t think He died so that some fellows can put on shinny skinny jeans can put a bunch of words together then in the chorus Throw in jina ya Yesu or God somewhere there and call them Gospel songs (My God i hope i don’t sound like Njoki Chege)

Lakini getting saved made me realise how much i used to curse. It’s now that am realising that without curse words, am actually a man of few words, literally. Yaani ikiwa watakua wanonesha a movie of my past life and wai censor i swear you’ll think it’s on mute.

If by any chance, we meet and an extremely thick mama passes by and i don’t turn to acknowledge her, you know the universal male signal of nodding while you survey her up and down, do not think that i am gay. I am straight, it’s just that there is a Verse(am not sure ni gani, sijafika io stage ya kujua verse zote za Bible of head) that says Sijui something about renewal of your mind and all.. something like that.That is hard in a way, coz it used to be my hobby.Niko na hobby mob sana.

Now the hardest thing I’ll have to adapt to, is fasting. I just hope we can have a custom made agreement with God, like all do everything He asks me to do, except fasting. I mean man, i heard of people saying they fasted for 21 days… 21 daaaays.. Mimi by day 2 nakufa tu aki.I love eating. I think eating is what makes the world go round, my world at least.

But it’s an amazing feeling, i love it. It was on my bucket list for a long time. I had promised myself that I’ll get saved on September 30th,two days after watching my favourite reggae artist Turbulence. He was performing again here for the second time and i love that man’s music to deeeeath, and i wasn’t going to miss it for the world. Watching turbulence was supposed to be my last official act of sin. And i was there with my three beers in my system, miraa keeping my teeth company and occuppied(to support the local economy, meru county to be precise, am sure someone in meru County bought a new pair of undies, undies not boxers, am sure that’s what they wear over there, because of me). I was there, me and 20 other attendees. I almost cried. Turbulence the future, Aka kongo bongo, nephasaulo, sells out arenas all over the world, heck he even sold out the first time he came here on May 3rd 2008,yes i still remember it of head. Yaani a willy willy paul concert had more people than Turbulence’s concert, these are the signs of the end of the world that Jesus almost mentioned.

Ati “kama ni kachumbari, woi tulikulala, kama ni kauji, woi tulikunywa lala”.. That is a gospel song that you’re supposed to listen to and decide to repay all your debts,go down on your knees and pray to You’re God and ask Him to come into your life.

I was to get saved two days later, until i heard that Morgan Heritage are also performing two weeks later. Ah i had to postpone it, God would surely understand buana. I mean the last time they performed on the easter of 2009 i was there, and I had been praying ever since for them together with Turbulence to come back again. And here my prayers are being answered, i had to attend. Let me tell you something, on behalf of all reggae lovers, i deeply apologise for that performance by Morgan, on there behalf, I’m sure they were either pressed or something of the sort. That performance was simply patheeeeetic. There was nothing else to miss, or keep me from my God, me i got saved three days later. okay i know it’s not that inspiring but i just thought that you should know that on judgement day you find me in heaven when you walk in, don’t think you’re in the wrong place ama ati I sneaked in.

Brother skinoo. I guess i should start adjusting my introduction line, from the normal “hi, am skinoo, pleasure to meet you” to the long ass intro, “Praise God, praise God again , I’m called skinoo, and today Jesus Christ is my Lord and saviour……. ” then i proceed to say some spiritual deep stuff and say” Amen?” after every 15 seconds and all.

So mlisema aje kuhusu Nikii Minaj??

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A NEW YEAR

So yeah, I’m sure you’ve noticed that we are in a new year, or as Timo loosely translates it as, kuzidi kukaribia kaburi yetu. We are in 2016 and i can bet you that on top of almost every Y chromosome carrier’s resolution is to win the Sport pesa jackpot. Me included of course. Like i mean,it’s a new year for crying out loud, they should edit their questionnaires and include Sport pesa participant hapo where they ask you your profession, right next to Lawyer and Doctor. Sportpesa ni kazi buana.

I hope this will be the year wigs and fake accents will be declared  national disasters.For those of you who studied medicine, which i think was my calling By the way, i think i was meant to be a doctor since i poses the first requirement a bad hand writing, a really bad hand writing. I was saying, if you studied medicine, am sure there is a unit that attributes listening to someone with a fake accent as one of the causes to having a running stomach.

This is the year just before an election year,so if you notice that pal of yours mwenye alikua anakulenga yet mlikua maboyz before, if you notice him or her saying hi to you all the sudden and he’s even starting a conversation, it’s not ati coz ameona your in the same class with him now, chances are he thought he has enough checked shirts in his closet and his broken English is now Polished enough to qualify him to ran for an elective position.So if you have such a friend, wait for his announcement at around August ivi, and don’t forget you read it here first.

I also hope that this will be the year, the government will give us Kenyans a hardship allowance for being subjected to those so called stand up comedians. I mean if Jalango and his cronies were to ever say that they’re comedians, that would be their best and only joke.. wait they actually say that. Am about to be called names and told that i am broke and they’re making money from it.I have been to an empty lift before and the previous occupant had left a pretty bad fart inside, and as soon as i got in, the next floor a fly mama walks in and is greeted by the new aroma and she gave that eye, and i can’t say it wasn’t me, and that 5 minutes is the closest I’ve been to serving a life sentence. What i am trying to say is this, that lift ordeal prepared me to face anything in the world and whatever names you’ll call me won’t affect me in any way.

I’m not a big fan of quotes, so i hope this will be the year i will understand this one, because it’s the primary reason for which i hate quotes. “keep your friends close, and your enemies closer”. I mean, what is that? How am i supposed to keep someone who would want to see my downfall closer than someone who would bite a bullet for me without any teeth?

I hope this will be the year some of you will meet your soulmates, coz being single means, if you were to win a trip for two in the Maldives or say Panama, it would be completely meaningless, coz who will you go with, you’re local barmaid? .And my prayer is this, you find a chic whose birthday will be on, February, specifically on the 29th, i don’t know If you’ve noticed, this year is a leap year.So if, say you find your Mrs this year, you will only be stressing about a birthday gift after every four years.I mean that Birthday will be like the Fifa world cup, after every four years, which means less stress for you. Good luck with that.

Happy new year to you beautiful people, and keep it here for more of Skinoo’s chronicles, it shall change your life, your life will never be the same again. Adiooos

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my first ever love poem

Okay. There’s a first time for everything…there was a time i was at a certain event, i am Poet BTW…. A confused one though, i am always on and off, but that’s a story for another day, so yeah i was at an event and i was scheduled to perform but the MC pulled an impromptu request that none of us expected.

He invited on stage, an extremely beautiful woman, insert an image of me closing my eyes, bitting my lower lip with my two arms apart trying to grasp at something (imaginary)… am sure the gentlemen get what am “trying” to explain.

so yeah there she was, in a figure hugging dress, don’t ask me colour or any further details, just know that it was figure hugging, let me tell you something, that woman had mountains/hills masquerading as curves.sasa the task was, the mc would invite 3 guys, poets, to come and perform for her a love poem,and if she likes it, she’ll chose you as the winner.i know, There was no trip for two to the Maldives or Seychelles. Smh.

sasa that day, saitan and his 10000+ demons had conspired to anika me. i was chosen to come and perform for her, along with 2 other poets, a poem, and not just any poem, but a loooove poem.

and you know the thing with love poems, you have to give it a certain sound, your voice that is, a Barry white type of voice, and yours truly, during my puberty stage i skipped that breaking my voice part.

Anyway to cut the long story short, because it is embarrassing, i was number last. and sometimes i have nightmares in the middle of the night thinking about it, i sometimes have a hard time finding sleep at night to a point i even have diarrhoea nini nini and such like complications that are related to being number last in a love poem competition to win over a girl.

So i have had enough of beating myself up over a matter that happened 3 years ago,and because of that, i wrote a love poem. P. s i can’t remember that girl’s name, so lets assume she’s called Victoria. Why Victoria? Because i have a thing for Victoria rubadiri… so enjoy it

(to be read strictly in a Barry White voice)

i have never written anything on love, because i think that its confusing /
99% of r&b artists only sing about love and cupid , yet they’re either single or divorced /
and they say that love is blind, but when two lovebirds  are dating, they’re said to be seeing each other /
and when they eventually break up, their hearts are left in pieces coz they’re crushed, and is it a coincidence that when you really really really like someone, that same person is supposed to be called your crush?

i have no idea what love is and i have no intentions of finding out, i heard that there is a stage that it makes grown men loose their sleep and forget to eat, and i love my food//
but if i loose my appetite and end up gaining who cares how skinny I’ll look //
i don’t know how heaven looks like, coz i have never been there before, but i have peeped deep into your eyes and i think that’s pretty close
i hate myself for starring at you, but i wouldn’t have done it if didn’t have a pair of magnets for eyes,
i know that that doesn’t make any sense, but the only way I can make you understand me and feel me is if i could draft my emotions in Braille
i wish the chemistry that we have is enough to make me a scientist, coz then i would rename oxygen to your last name, so that i can say that you’re the air that i breathe
i want to give  restricting orders to your fears and tears so that they won’t have to go past your eyelashes and lids
because i will sacrifice my time on your altar, so that we can explore each other’s world’s, coz i swear each time our lips lock, they open up our atlas
coz i am sure that you’re the match that was made for me in heaven, coz you set my heart on fire, and each time you feed it with your love i call it a heart burn
i know that i don’t need to xray the left side of my chest so that you can see you’re fingerprints, for you to believe me when i say that you touched my heart
and you drive me crazy in our highway of happiness., i hope you won’t see the need to park

i don’t know much about being a stylist, but i want to be the one who will always be the one to help you wear a smile in the morning,

and i want to keep you company and we can use that same smile as our trademark, i know it sounds corny, but that’s the best i could come up with,

they said that a human heart beats 72 times a minute, but mine mine beats 22 times or lower each time i see you , it skips the other 50 times, but then that is recovered when it beats 10 times faster each time you’re near me and i don’t know what that is
but i do know that God had you in mind when he created the pink lake in Australia coz you’re a sight to behold,

of late my mind has been taking some photography lessons, coz i picture you in a white dress and me in a suit in a church service, praying that you can hurry up to the altar so that i can show that my tounge has been taking some french lessons

well i can’t speak French, but my kisses can and they are quite fluent

and i want to teach you some things privately, you can be my student

i want to write you a love letter on your body
while using my tounge and teeth as my pen,
so i can leave my signature on your neck, hickies

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Time

Am sorry i haven’t been feeding you with my chronicles, i have been super busy yaani, me hufika kwa hao ka nimechoka hadi najionea huruma aki..i have stories for days but each time I try telling them to Timo, my workmate, he always says he’s busy(checking out socialites twerk, if you ever come across a YouTube video of socialites twerking and see that it has like 300,000 views, just know that like 200,000 ni courtesy of timo). If i ever start a company, i hope i won’t have employees like timo and me also, coz all i do is bug him with endless stories . It’s a habit i picked up from my school days. The only time I was number one was in the noise makers list. I sometimes look at my payslip and my boss and feel sorry for him. I feel like i steal from him . But then it ends there, feeling sorry for him, what did you expect, me to tell him to deduct half of my salary. Besides i work in an office not a morgue. Kwa ivo story ni lazma.

So yeah, i am always supper busy, like my schedule is ever tight. I am always needed somewhere,i just don’t find the time to do most things. I think time becomes more precious and scarce as you grow older. Which had me thinking..

I was reading some fun facts ati, did you know that a fly only lives for seven days, 7.as in, say today is Saturday and a fly is born today, it has till next Saturday to learn to fly, spot it’s potential Mrs, get rejected, try another get dumped, then finally find “the one”, date, marry and get kids(flies) then die. I know it’s amazing but, i mean whoever found that out, JUST WHERE DID HE GET THE TIME? He must have been a very lonely chap eh. Lazima akue alikua ni msee ameboeka sana. He just sat down, saw a fly pass by and said bum,how long do these insects live?. I can’t even time to find my socks partner, let alone find… Smh.. Still on that fun facts tip, i read ati a dog sees things in black and white. Okay how did he know,? ALIJUA AJE?? unless of course he was once a dog . Where do people find time to come up with such mediocre “facts”??

There was this one time,my ex bought for me one of those Calvin klein type of boxers. Si you know them, not the type walee wasee wa wreso huvaa, undies, no not those, those ones that are the male version of lingerie. Yes izo. So she bought them for me, as a gift . ladies if you’re reading this NEVEER ever buy such things aki for your man ati ni gift, ni torture. Wueh. Let me tell you something those things are attractive yes, lakini they are damn uncomfortable. Zinafinya mtu yaani. From the moment you put them on, you find yourself telling the wind all your secrets, you’re mpesa pin nini nini, kila kitu, subconsciously coz it feels like you’re in a torture chamber.

So last week i decided to rock that boxer on. Huge mistake.i was walking in the streets and guys were thinking that i was surprised to meet them, coz my eyes wore that “oh My God” look. Kuuumbe. So nika fika job, nikavumilia till around 10 am.. Then i said enough is enough. Aii what is, nikaenda kwa washrooms nikakakachoma. Nilikachimoa buana. Nilikachomoa.jioni i stuffed it in a ka black paperbag, so in the mat i sat next next to this fine lass, she thought i had carried kanyama kaquarter apo ndani.. Huh, poor woman.

Am so sorry for wasting your time today, that will be all.
Class dismissed.

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I learnt a new word.

So first of all I have a disclaimer…. I hate typing, am sure most of you do too, and since i can’t afford a secretary to do that for me, I’ll have to do it on my own. So if you come across, which you will by the way, countless times,typos, just bear with me. Besides the grammar Nazis wouldn’t have a career if it wasn’t for people like me.. Karibu sana and welcome to the award winning stories, with the occasional lies here and there, but don’t worry, you won’t notice them……

I like to call them, skinoo’s chronicles. Skinoo is my nickname BTW, and it’s patented so if you were thinking of using it, huh, shock on you

As i said earlier, i came across a new word, and since am generous like that, am not selfish BTW, all share it with you. It’s long though. So i suggest you take a pen, jot it down and memorize it.. You know for future reference..

So last month, it hit me, out of the blues, that i don’t have any jeans to rock on weekends, or in French cia gothie kuria ido(for those who didn’t do French or skipped it’s class, it means jeans to go and eat things.. Direct translation)

I noticed i only have official pants and zero jeans, and since i had like three thousand, spare, something that rarely
happens in my finance department, i decided to head to my favourite shopping mall. Gikomba.. Yes i think its unfair that Gikomba hasn’t yet been gazzeted as a shopping mall. Lack of priorities i think.

So at exactly 1300 hrs, i was there with my 3000 shillings stuffed up in my kafa gue pocket, kafa gue again for those of you who skipped French lessons is that kasmall pocket at the top front of the right, bigger pocket. Hope that made sense, coz sioni nikirudia.

So yeah, i there i was, headed straight to the jeans section, coz you know Gikomba is divided into sections, jeans, bras, boxers, cosets, tshirts, shirts,duvets, skirts, dresses, etc, etc, etc . Its HUUUUGE yaani.. Its more than a shopping mall. You see all this celebrities akina Jay zed, lupita, beyonce, etc, they wear clothes ONCE, and then throw them away then some guy who thinks like a kikuyu collects them, his work is actually to go round in the places where these guys live, collects the garbage(read designer clothes) then stuffs them up in bails, ships them to Africa and bum! They end up at Gikomba shopping mall. Don’t Look at me that way, that’s what I heard. It could be true though, coz huko they sell clothes using a magazine. Like you can pick up a tshirt or hoddie, did I say that it’s self service over there, then you ask the seller, “ni how much”,.. Then you’re told its 1000 baab. Of course that’s a lot of money for a tshirt. So you start bargaining, then keep quiet when he(she, for the feminists who might be reading, we love you all BTW, we’re not prejudiced at all) opens up a page in the Cosmopolitan, source or vibe magazine of some Hollywood guy, say Dr. Dre rocking that same exact t shirt.kwani where do you think all this fashion Bloggers and Instagram models get their clothes from? Ebu notice that whenever a fire burns Down gikomba shopping mall, the blogs n posts seize till those sellers rudisha their stock.

Now, where was i, yeah. So there i was at the jeans “aisle “.. Sasa i picked like 3 pairs of jeans, really nice. Kuuliza bei they told me
moja ni 2500,”..sasa me i thought either they figured am rich, or mimi ni Fala.. I settled with the former, although in real sense,i am pre – rich,.. So me nikawashow niko na 1500,500 shillings for each.. Wakanichekelea bana. They laughed at me. And immediately brushed me off and asked me, “mara yako ya mwisho kununua nguo gikomba ni lini,?”… Then wakanicheka tena.. Sikuskia poa BTW, bad customer care. Apo sitawai rudi, niliwamark, mwanzo mmoja had a cracked tooth, i would have said it was an incisor or the other one, but frankly i wasn’t really paying attention to biology classes i found them too what’s the word, yes that one, besides, meno ni meno..

So since hao mafala thought that sikua na pesa,which i did BY THE WAY , do those guys know how hard, in this hard economic times, ever since dollar ipande, oil prices down nini nini, it is to have a surplus, SURRRRPLUS, in your budget, and not just any surplus, but a 3000 Kenya shillings surplus.. Ata hao wanacheza.

Being the chap chap guy that i am, i did my hesabu, si khaki trousers ni 400 each(yes those online guys make a killing, when they sell them at 1200 each, na source ni moja) with 3000 i have 7 pairs. With 200 shillings to spare. Did i just rhyme??

“Ata jeans ni za watoto wa high school and i needed to change my look anyway, achana na hao wasee wanauzaa jeans ni kama hawataki pesa”

So i went to my congolese people. They are the ones who sell the khaki’s and officials.. Shopping is a headache aki, and i read somewhere, an interview of some celeb, i think it was Eve d’souza(aki si used to have a crush on her)
. When asked what her hobbies were, she said, among other things, shopping.. SHOPPING?? Shopping, io ni hobby to some people, mamen

So i quickly picked up some nice fitting, i read somewhere that lean, the word is LEEEAAAN, not skinny, guys like yours truly should wear fitting clothes, sijui ati they complement their bodies.. I laughed. At that complementing their bodies part.. I am not skinny by choice, i eat a lot BTW, where the food goes to, is subject to a government inquiry. I tried working out also,then when i looked at my before and after pics and saw that they were all the same.as in hakukua na difference. Me i quit that thing. Besides i was using some stones that were not even, so nikaona nitashona side moja… I quit.

Sasa, actually on that fateful day, nilikua nimevaa, the only pair of jeans i have, ya black, hadi neighbour one day aliniuliza “eh skinoo kwani hauna jeanare ingine”..

So i had a black fitting jeans and a red tshirt, my ex used to tell me that i look great in read, that’s the only thing i believe she ever meant, and an ankara boxer . I bet you’ve never seen one before. I would have said “stylish to the draws” but since i don’t want to sound like am bragging, i won’t..

Its special to me(every man has a special occasion boxer, every man) and i only wear it on special occasions, and me being me,i have many special occasions, and because of that, it has a hole pale kwa groin. Sasa for the guys,am sure ukiwa umevaa Jeans, boxers hua na tendency ya kupanda juu ya waist kiasi. Mark this paragraph it’s very important to this story.

So as after i had picked my 7 pairs and tukaelewana bei ndio nisizitry on na sinunui, i was told to panda hapo juu, there was a stall that was raised kidogo and that was the “changing room”, try them on.

“panda hapo juu, boss usiogope, si umevaa kitu ndani, hata kama hujavaa, kwani ni nini hawajawai ona? “he said that in a Congolese accent. Obviously raising the attention of the other shoppers, ladies included, who were shopping for their men. Lucky baggers.

So i did, nikapanda kwa stall. And i took off my black jeans for what was supposed to be the last time. I intended to retire it from its services and rock one, out of the seven new khaki’s i was to buy.. I had forgotten that the boxer had risen above my waist and that it had a hole hapo kwa Grooo?grooooin.thank you very much.

Then I heard that Congolese guy scream,.
“aye muzee, mjulbengbeng inaonekana”… I heard the ladies and guy shoppers bust into laughter.

That’s what they call it nowadays, “mjulbengbeng”

If I ever become famous and i get a quick five interview
You know the, what are you reading currently, what’s your most blah blah blah, and they ask me
“so skinoo,tell us, what’s the most embarrassing moment in your life,?””
All definitely tell them that.

Class dismissed.